no apologies for the lack of posting this time.

Wait
Something Corporate

I can hear ticking clocks running rampant in me
Chiming in an apogee
Waiting for the synergy
Of her and me
Waiting on the light
And I never say goodnight
Never say that I'm always right

Now with you, girl, I'm content to drown
You're so high, and I'm so down
This night will end sooner, but much sooner now
And I'm awake in you, and you're asleep in me
All the things I'll never be
Make me wonder could you see
And I said

Wait till I hit the ground harder
Wish I could wait to hear her heart beat fast
Wish I could wait til I missed her flavor
My days are numbered here
And I don't want be the last one home
Don't want be the last one home

Though I'm weak inside
I'm thriving just the same
Still calling out your name
Wondering who it is that I should blame
Stabbing hard and buried consciousness and fear
Forgetting others I hold dear
Wondering, maybe could you hear
And I said to

Wait till I hit the ground harder
Wish I could wait to hear her heart beat fast
Wish I could wait til I missed her flavor
my days are numbered here
And I don't want be the last one home
The last one home
Oh, here we go

And I said, there you are, baby
Waiting on the sun
Just staring at the sky
Said when, "will he be done?"
I said, there you are, baby
Waiting on the sun
Just staring at the sky
Said, "when will he be done?"

And I wish I could wait
Til I see you shaking
Wish I could wait
To pull out of this one fast
Wish I could wait
Til I taste your flavor
Maybe I could savor every last drop
And I said to wait til I hit the ground harder
wish I could wait to hear, to hear your heart beat fast
wish I could wait 'til see you shaking
My days are numbered here
And I don't want to be last one home


Ever since I started thinking about marriage, this song has kind of been the culmination of a lot of my feelings about my boyfriend and the topic. I've been ready, I think, for a while now. He, on the other hand, has had a couple of hang-ups that have set us back (in my opinion), and every time I listen to this song, I can't help but feel sorry for the singer, and ourselves.

Thanks to the wedding this past weekend, marriage and this song have been on my mind a lot. A bit of research today unearthed the fact that this song probably isn't so much about a relationship as a description of sex (which I never would have gotten, maybe my mind isn't as dirty as I thought). Still, I can't help but ignore those innuendos and keep to my original explanation, even though some lines are pretty blatant.

I guess I just feel like my part in this whole marriage equation is just to wait. I have to wait until he's settled, wait until he's ready, wait until he's in a good place... all the while feeling the pressure and prick of time. And even after all of this time, it still isn't for sure. I don't want to pressure him; I also don't want to be the last one home.

blogger, say what?

OKAY. I've seen the recent entries from the group formerly known as the Blogging Wenches, and I get it. Somewhere in the universe (perhaps because of the loss of Lost?) there is a pull telling people to get their butts back to the blogosphere. And who am I to resist such a call?

There's been a lot going on in the life of me. Some good stuff, some not so fun stuff. This past year has been a mash-up of, "Awesome crazy adventure time!" and "My insurance will only pay HOW much?" --which should sound about right to any recent college grad.

The most exciting part of life is that photography is slowly becoming a more integrated part of my life, which of course is a big win. I just shot a wedding a few weeks ago which was not easy, but really rewarding. I'm going to be shadowing a wedding photographer for several dates in the summer. I just plopped down money for a backdrop stand and a backdrop which should be arriving TODAY. I'm working on rebranding and rebuilding my website (I'm learning a new type of code, which feels like the Newsies days all over again). I might be teaching an intro to photography course at the local homeschool group. I'll wait a bit longer and then grab the light I've been wanting. But last night I did an impromptu shoot at night with a friend with my flash, and it felt GOOD. Obviously, paying clients are the goal, but there's really nothing stopping me from just having fun. Because that's why I do photography, right?

All this goes to say, don't let the insurance and job search get you down. I'm trying really hard not to... and somehow looking at the awesomecrazyadventure things in life keeps it from being too hard.

let's get this party started

without further ado, I present my future equipment list:

Lighting and Stuff:
SB900 Flash- I already have an SB800, so to do the awesome strobist work like Dustin Diaz I will need to get a second one to get the effects he does.

1 500 watt light plus power box: Pez, my best friend and photographic assistant, has been pushing me towards Alien Bees, and they have a 10% student discount (which I can take advantage of thanks to being at NOVA- who ever thought I'd say that?). Though the two flash set up will serve me very well, I know that having a powerful light will definitely help for headshots and such.

A softbox: I've gotten used to them thanks to the studio@AU. They really diffuse the light beautifully.


Lenses:

Let me just preface this with, I WANT LENSES. I want glass. But it's so ridiculously expensive... let me just say, I probably won't be able to check these babies off for a while.

Nikkor 24-70 mm, F/2.8 - Weddings, theater and concerts... these events are my gigs, so this event would be pretty killer to have. I'd like to have the 24mm aspect - my current 24-70mm is only a 3.5, and the extra stops definitely would help. I read a quote somewhere that a wide angle lens is not to just "get everything in," it's so your creative range is widened by having the extra room. I wholeheartedly approve of this, and I'm anxious to try it myself.

Nikkor 80-200mm, F/2.8 - Of the two 2.8 lenses, I'd get this first. It's imperative to get in close to your subject, and especially with some restrictions like at Wolf Trap, I'd need that 200mm fo'sho.

A fisheye - WANT. Pez has one that I've borrowed on occasion, and though I'd like mine to have just a bit less distortion, it's a natural low light because of how wide of an angle it is, so it could be a fantastic addition to my bag.

irony

It's funny how the people who love you the most can bruise you the hardest.

Actually, no. It's not funny at all.

if not now, when?

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
And when I am for myself, what am 'I'?
And if not now, when?"

This quote has been running around in my head a lot the past few days. I've hit my quarter-life crisis, and it's pretty sucky.

It all started when I went back to AU for a round-robin sort of thing and of course, everyone was asking everyone what they were doing. The conversation went something like this:

"So what are you doing now that you graduated with - what?"
"My bachelor's in journalism."
"That's great! Applied for any jobs?"
"No, I, uh, teach piano."
"Oh wow, that's neat. Bet you're more fun than the old grey-haired teachers. Have you done anything with your photography?"
"Um, well..." DON'T MENTION POLE DANCERS "...just trying to shoot whatever I can."
While working retail. Fuck fuck fuck.

So yeah, try suffering through that little gem three or four times in one evening. If you ever want to feel insignificant and like your $30,000 debt from your degree that you're not even using was the biggest mistake of your life - well, don't. Just live vicariously through me and save yourself the cash.

So god, what's a girl to do?

Strap on a pair and make life happen.

There's no time like today (and by today, I mean the immediate future, I can't go out and purchase $2000 of photo equipment at the drop of a hat). But I'm really coming to grips that no one is going to hand me a perfect job, money isn't going to fall out of the sky, I'm not blessed with a mentor who can open doors for me. I've got a camera, some great experience, a dash of talent but most of all, I've got determination.

And really, now is the time. There's no other time BUT now. I'm single. I don't have a family to worry about supporting while I go off and pursue what could realistically be a failure. I don't have a husband who will be wanting my time that I'll be spending in post production. I don't even have a pet to worry about. It's me and the bills, and I can manage that.

I can't say it enough. NOW. NOW NOW NOW. I know that photography businesses take a crapload of time to build - have you ever met a truly successful photographer who was, like, 21? I haven't. There are few. Because photography - unlike some art forms - takes a hell of a lot of time to just ... grow. I would equate its gestation period to that of a baby whale. I'm not expecting Shamu to pop out in a few months, and I certainly am not expecting to start getting the Kennedy Center as clients tomorrow.

So where do I start? I'm working on compiling a list of equipment I need. This is the hardest part because once I make that step and spend practically all my savings, this can't just be a hobby. I will need to be shooting with that equipment every single day until I know it as well as my own face. I will need to be advertising, spreading the word to everyone I know, something I know I suck at. I need to redo my website, I need to put together a printed portfolio, I need to really unify myself and my work.

It's scary. This could be an even bigger failure than going to school and not using my degree. But I have to try because this two jobs thing (neither of which have to do with my degree) is not going to cut it for much longer. I'm not going to give myself a timeframe yet, but I'd like to think by the end of this year, my photo business would be modest percentage of my income.

Now. I need to make the wheels turn NOW. No matter how old, rusty and creaky they are.

Because really, if not now, when?

and yes, i cried

I want to apologize for my moment of emotional vomiting all over this blog, and you, my readers, the other week. Things are better - I think the snow really just threw me out of whack. Those issues aren't even a concern any more, and our anniversary was pretty fantastic (one year!).

I'd like to share what JD gave me for Valentine's Day/our anniversary. He wrote me a poem, and well... just read it.

valentines day

describe for me the love in fairytales
where kisses can wake beauties in
slippers made from glass and crushes can
draw mermaids from oceans to dry land
sprinkle a little dust a pumpkin will carry
you to dances made from pencil sketches
until the sound of midnight
with witch our disney godmothers return
to the grave and dragons rise to watch over
cement cityscapes where damsels look into
mirrors hoping they are the fairest ones
while maleficent's spindle pricks away ever
man with the last name charming and
ursula steals cupid's arrows to the laughter of
jafar watching as we drown in sand

a fair backdrop for a new tale in which
our hero raises his sword to the rocker boys
with emo haircuts and medical conditions
who don't know that true love can break any
spell spoken from broken-hearted anastasias
or depressed drizellas cased in stone
lady tremaine cannot lock up little ariel
when his kisses can reach the tallest tower
and over power the deepest slumber

cinderella rushes to a modern ball where card
games fit for kings and wishes are made from
golden lamps
she draws a queen next to our hero and spends
the night on a magic carpet that continues on
well past midnight and fantasy
from her glass cage his light shines through and
spectrums into rainbows of emotions wider than
a dragon's wing span and deeper than a mirror's
reflection of a cartoon fairytale


If you know my backstory of my past relationships with guys and/or how JD and I met, you'll get a bit more out of it than just all the clever Disney references. But either way, I can't believe he wrote it for me, and it was really one of the best gifts I've ever received.

in a world full of wrong, you're the thing that's right

The snow is taking its toll on my emotions.

This past weekend, JD planned a surprise trip to get away for the two of us as my Christmas present. Since we had to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas apart, I asked him to find us a place to just spend a weekend together without our jobs' interruptions taking us away from being together. We planned for the first weekend of February due to my work schedule in January, and he refused to tell me where he was taking me, giving me only the smallest of hints.

Of course, as you all know, the heavy snow started Friday night. I had also made reservations to take him to Ruth's Chris (a wicked good steakhouse), but they closed early due to the impending storm. While disappointing, that wasn't too hard to handle, I bought a ton of groceries because JD told me we had a kitchen.

So we hop in my car, and he drives me around - taking me through back roads, trying to confuse me - and we end up where I suspected, a small cottage on the Potomac River, in Algonkian Park. It was amazing. The cabin had an adorable little kitchen and a room with a jacuzzi and a fireplace and windows that faced the river so we could watch giant sheets of ice floating down, and we pretended we were in Alaska in the wilderness and nature. The first night we made pizza and spent the evening drinking and having an amazing time.

The next morning, we look outside, and the snow is everywhere. JD, being the responsible guy he is, goes out at about 10 to start shoveling after I made a breakfast of eggs and toast. It's while he's out there, around 11, that we lose power.

Thankfully, we did have the gas fire, which we kept going. After a while, bored (no electricity = no computer), I went out to help him shovel and clean off my car. Once that was completed, we journeyed back in to contemplate our lunch options. No microwave, no oven, no stove. Our only option was the fire... so we filled a small pot with water and JD sat by the fire, boiling our Pokemon maccaroni and cheese. Let me tell you, pasta never tasted so good.

About 2 in the afternoon, the park authorities came by and told us the electricity wasn't expected to come back for a while, definitely not that day, and that we should leave for our own safety. Very grudgingly, I did. I put most of the food into a box to take with us, packed up my clothes and computer, and the ranger took us back to JD's in his truck, since my car couldn't handle the unplowed roads. When we reached JD's house, we found that he, too, had lost power.

So that left us with my house, but first we had to shovel out JD's car. That was no small feat, since he parked on the side of the road and had snow all pushed up against his car. But it all worked out, and we eventually made it to el barrio where we had heat, light and hot water.

Today, as you all have witnessed, we got more snow. I've been home all day, and it's been particularly rough because today is JD's birthday. I stayed out last night getting his present, and then all this blizzard happened, and I can't venture out, and his neighborhood hasn't been plowed.

This feeling of dissatisfaction and overall frustration has been bubbling since the weekend. I finally voiced it to Matt, and it surprised me how relieved I felt after I just put it out there: I am really pissed off that my perfect weekend didn't happen, and I'm really pissed that I don't get to see my boyfriend on his birthday. I'm really pissed that he hasn't called, and I'm pissed that I'm overreacting and feeling like he doesn't care if he sees me or not (which I'm pretty sure isn't true).

So I want some more therapy, and I want to say it here. I am not angry at JD, none of this was his fault. But it's so unfair that my Christmas gift got cut short, that I barely even saw my boyfriend that weekend because we were so busy shoveling and driving and finding a place that had power. I'm so upset that I can't be with him now on his birthday. I'm frustrated that this is bringing up old insecurities about our relationship. I'm pissed that I'm near tears as I'm writing this, and I'm pissed that I really can't tell him any of this (at least about the weekend) because I know he'll feel guilty and apologize that it didn't work out, and then I'll feel guilty for making him feel guilty and... GOD I just want to be angry but I don't know where to direct these emotions. I just want someone to hear that I'm upset and just know.

I just needed someone to know.

musical moments

I've been having a bit of a "blast from the past" when it comes to music lately.

I remember being 15, 16, 17... and music meant everything to me. I was a bit of a dork, a punk, when it came to music some five years ago. My CDs were the only thing that could understand me. Lyrics were letters written to me, melodies were meant to be belted out while driving in my car until my throat was raw. I believed in God, soul mates and most of all, music.

And these memories are coming back lately. Maybe it's my new lack of piano that's forcing them to the surface, or maybe it's the fact that three days a week I am next to that same instrument, only this time it's teaching little ones about the rhythms that my heart once pounded to and the notes that brought me to tears. But it's music, once again, that's coming out in waves, that's making me remember.

It all comes back when I listen to My Favorite Highway, of all bands. No other band, not even Matt Nathanson, can drudge up such emotions and memories and god - it was so long ago. They're so distant now, I don't even know what they're doing or how they sound. I mock them (not that we didn't before), but it's halfhearted, really.

But the memories aren't. I don't have to close my eyes to remember coming out of a J&R rehearsal and hearing them playing Harbor Bay, sitting there outside, listening to that song wrap itself around me. I remember being invited with Pez into that rehearsal, watching them and hearing what no one else ever would. I will never forget that one time, at the Sterling Community Center, the time Dave Cook sang it so quietly, "I have toyed with the idea of burning your stuff," the only time it ever had any meaning, and now I can't hear that song without looping over the only way I will ever know it.

But the days of MFH are long gone. And though I still love music, am involved in it almost more than ever, it's not the same. I tried playing my old songs today, and I could barely remember the words, let alone the chords. I don't believe much anymore in anything other than myself, the man I can hold and the fact that tomorrow will never stop.

The music keeps coming back though. My Favorite Highway's existence is -as much as I hate to admit it- only one very personal reminder of how music once touched me, once moved my very soul.

It's hard to even imagine going back to those days, let alone that kind of faith.

But one day, maybe I'll believe again.

welcome back

I just wrote an entire entry, then deleted it, cause it sucked.

I'm trying to find something creative, something fresh, something worth reading to write... but I've got nothing.

Hell, even this post is sort of a waste of space. But I need to get back into the habit of writing, no matter what.

So if that means this blog will be cluttered with these kinds of junk posts until I find the words, the creativity, the spark, then so be it.

good morning, starshine, the earth says hello

HELLO WORLD.

I am alive, believe it or not, though my long, unintentional hiatus from blogging would probably tell you otherwise. Much has been happening in la vida de Traci, and I will do my best to give more consistent updates, since I rarely see anyone that reads this blog (assuming people still read it). So here are the highlights of the past month... Consider this your very late "Christmas Newsletter" that everyone sends out, bragging about their family.

BRAINS: I have graduated from American University. I am DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE. The funny thing is, I don't even feel like it's really over - and in a way it's not. I'll be TAing another photo class this semester with a wicked awesome professor (last semester's prof didn't like me much) which gives me access to the studio which means more photography. YES. Also, I will begin my first class in over three years at Nova, beginning a slow start towards perhaps my Associates in Graphic Desgin.

HOME: I now live in a lovely townhouse nicknamed "El Barrio" for its delightful location in Sterling (for those of you outside of Virginia, Sterling is known for its high Hispanic population). My roommate is my best friend Matt, who I met during my original Nova days, and thus far we've managed not to kill each other - good, no? In all seriousness, we somehow are the perfect roommates, feeling comfortable enough to say anything and gaining inside jokes by the day. He appreciates my cooking (yes, I can make edible food!) and I'm glad he likes to clean.

LOVE: Still most definitely in it. JD and I will be celebrating one year in about a month - holy freaking crap...! We hit a rough patch from about Thanksgiving to Christmas, but we're back to our regularly scheduled relationship. And, cough, a certain word beginning with "M" has been put out on the table. No timeframe in any way, shape, or form... but HE brought it up. Not me. Go figure.

JOB: I am one of the unemployed masses. Actually, not really. My piano-teaching business is booming, which is super amazing. I really love teaching and I'm actually considering taking some music classes at Nova so I make sure I'm staying sharp for my kids. I still work at Paper Source, and it's fantastic - I'm less into scrapbooking now, but super into card making. I've gotten two of my friends hooked as well, so we get together every so often and sit and stamp together, it's baller.

PHOTO: I'm really pushing to get my photography business up and running - I've got two weddings in May and am setting up a fun shoot with a few brides for the next few months. I've landed a contract with a local theater company to photograph their season, which is fantastic to have a bit of extra money guaranteed! This past November I did a shoot with Pez with a pole dancing studio (yes, you heard me) and we'll be going back in a few weeks to do another shoot. Talk about unconventional, but it sure does help pay the bills.

MISC: I'm back to going to the gym and thanks to Matt screaming at me to go, I think I'll keep up with it, assuming I don't break my wrist like I did about this time last year. I miss my buddy, Mango, tremendously. I am totally in love with cooking. Matt's mom terrifies me. I'm watching Nip/Tuck, Gilmore Girls and DeGrassi, unashamed. I have a buttload of pics to upload to facebook. I miss everyone terribly, and I would love to hear from you in one way or another (phone, text, comment, facebook) to let me know you, as well, are alive.

2010... here we go!