no apologies for the lack of posting this time.

Wait
Something Corporate

I can hear ticking clocks running rampant in me
Chiming in an apogee
Waiting for the synergy
Of her and me
Waiting on the light
And I never say goodnight
Never say that I'm always right

Now with you, girl, I'm content to drown
You're so high, and I'm so down
This night will end sooner, but much sooner now
And I'm awake in you, and you're asleep in me
All the things I'll never be
Make me wonder could you see
And I said

Wait till I hit the ground harder
Wish I could wait to hear her heart beat fast
Wish I could wait til I missed her flavor
My days are numbered here
And I don't want be the last one home
Don't want be the last one home

Though I'm weak inside
I'm thriving just the same
Still calling out your name
Wondering who it is that I should blame
Stabbing hard and buried consciousness and fear
Forgetting others I hold dear
Wondering, maybe could you hear
And I said to

Wait till I hit the ground harder
Wish I could wait to hear her heart beat fast
Wish I could wait til I missed her flavor
my days are numbered here
And I don't want be the last one home
The last one home
Oh, here we go

And I said, there you are, baby
Waiting on the sun
Just staring at the sky
Said when, "will he be done?"
I said, there you are, baby
Waiting on the sun
Just staring at the sky
Said, "when will he be done?"

And I wish I could wait
Til I see you shaking
Wish I could wait
To pull out of this one fast
Wish I could wait
Til I taste your flavor
Maybe I could savor every last drop
And I said to wait til I hit the ground harder
wish I could wait to hear, to hear your heart beat fast
wish I could wait 'til see you shaking
My days are numbered here
And I don't want to be last one home


Ever since I started thinking about marriage, this song has kind of been the culmination of a lot of my feelings about my boyfriend and the topic. I've been ready, I think, for a while now. He, on the other hand, has had a couple of hang-ups that have set us back (in my opinion), and every time I listen to this song, I can't help but feel sorry for the singer, and ourselves.

Thanks to the wedding this past weekend, marriage and this song have been on my mind a lot. A bit of research today unearthed the fact that this song probably isn't so much about a relationship as a description of sex (which I never would have gotten, maybe my mind isn't as dirty as I thought). Still, I can't help but ignore those innuendos and keep to my original explanation, even though some lines are pretty blatant.

I guess I just feel like my part in this whole marriage equation is just to wait. I have to wait until he's settled, wait until he's ready, wait until he's in a good place... all the while feeling the pressure and prick of time. And even after all of this time, it still isn't for sure. I don't want to pressure him; I also don't want to be the last one home.

musical moments

I've been having a bit of a "blast from the past" when it comes to music lately.

I remember being 15, 16, 17... and music meant everything to me. I was a bit of a dork, a punk, when it came to music some five years ago. My CDs were the only thing that could understand me. Lyrics were letters written to me, melodies were meant to be belted out while driving in my car until my throat was raw. I believed in God, soul mates and most of all, music.

And these memories are coming back lately. Maybe it's my new lack of piano that's forcing them to the surface, or maybe it's the fact that three days a week I am next to that same instrument, only this time it's teaching little ones about the rhythms that my heart once pounded to and the notes that brought me to tears. But it's music, once again, that's coming out in waves, that's making me remember.

It all comes back when I listen to My Favorite Highway, of all bands. No other band, not even Matt Nathanson, can drudge up such emotions and memories and god - it was so long ago. They're so distant now, I don't even know what they're doing or how they sound. I mock them (not that we didn't before), but it's halfhearted, really.

But the memories aren't. I don't have to close my eyes to remember coming out of a J&R rehearsal and hearing them playing Harbor Bay, sitting there outside, listening to that song wrap itself around me. I remember being invited with Pez into that rehearsal, watching them and hearing what no one else ever would. I will never forget that one time, at the Sterling Community Center, the time Dave Cook sang it so quietly, "I have toyed with the idea of burning your stuff," the only time it ever had any meaning, and now I can't hear that song without looping over the only way I will ever know it.

But the days of MFH are long gone. And though I still love music, am involved in it almost more than ever, it's not the same. I tried playing my old songs today, and I could barely remember the words, let alone the chords. I don't believe much anymore in anything other than myself, the man I can hold and the fact that tomorrow will never stop.

The music keeps coming back though. My Favorite Highway's existence is -as much as I hate to admit it- only one very personal reminder of how music once touched me, once moved my very soul.

It's hard to even imagine going back to those days, let alone that kind of faith.

But one day, maybe I'll believe again.

friday five

Top 5 Albums

Though I'm from the "iPod generation," I still think the album as a whole (the narrative, the arc, the variation) is paramount in music. So, this is my homage to the albums that I can listen to without skipping a single song.

1. Beneath These Fireworks - Matt Nathanson
Of course, right? I hate being predictable, but there's no way this list could exist without this album. I still remember when Lex from Great Harvest burned me this album - it was love at first sound. I remember driving in Wheezy, blasting this CD, giving it to Jansy, letting it fill the places that were empty from all the heartbreaks with boys. I will always love this CD, and it kills me a little inside every time Matt Nathanson says that he feels this album was lacking in some way, because to me, it is perfection.

2. Leaving through the Window - Something Corporate
I first found Something Corporate through the song Konstantine. God, that song still gives me chills, especially in the acoustic version where Andrew, really quietly, says -instead of sings- "God, I miss you." When he sings things - even back before his bout with cancer - you can hear the sincerity and emotion in every word he sings. This album always makes me think of summer and my best friend and how playing piano became so cool when Andrew did it. I love the rawness of this album, it's got that energy that only a debut album can have, when the musicians are young and full of hope, before they get broken when the record label fucks them over.

3. Infinity on High - Fall Out Boy
This album always makes me think of New York and my crazy trip up there with the kids from Footloose. I think this was FOB's peak - FUCT was good, but IOH was really their shining moment. Pete wasn't crazy over Ashlee, Patrick's voice was rocking, they had money and support coming off of FUCT, so they really had all the materials and inspiration to make a wicked album. I'm a fan of Folie a'Deux as far as Patrick's voice, but Pete's songwriting took a turn for the worse in that album... kinda makes me hope he gets a divorce and finds something real to write about again.

4. Mad Season - Matchbox Twenty
Every time I feel like a sellout for liking Matchbox Twenty, I listen to this album and prove myself wrong. This album is the shit. The orchestration, the vocals, the overall energy? Fantastic. There's a maturity in this album that really shows the step up from Yourself or Someone Like You to Mad Season, especially lyrically. I just listened to this album last week, and messages I thought I got when I was 15 still hit me so heavy seven years later. I think this album also does a really good job of defining a concept for an album - for instance, a song from Mad Season would sound astronomically different that a song from their third album, More Than You Think You Are.

5. Say It Like You Mean It - The Starting Line
I was sick with pneumonia when I first saw this music video, Kenny with his waif-like face and bleached blonde hair (it's still a freaking hilarious video, in my opinion). Little did I know that this album would be one of my favorites, and this band would always have a special place in my heart, so many years later. I think this album does a fantastic job of not growing stale, which is so easy to do in that pop/punk sound. Each song stands out from the others, whether because of a riff, a lyric or a melody, and that makes this album so easy to put in and just let it play.

Friday Five

Top 5 Things that Make Me Nostalgic

Inspired by Adam's quote: "Nostalgia is powerful stuff."

1. The Starting Line. This band defined my teenage years. I was young, thought I was angsty, thought I was in love, thought no one understood me but musicians I had only met once (but who offered to "f****** kill" the dude who crowd surfed my head into a metal post.) They just released a live album and wow, do I miss them more than ever.

2. Justin. This is my old friend from Unos, who recently found me on Facebook after three years of not talking. I guess catching up with him really got me thinking about how much (and how little) changed in the past three years. And it makes me think about the days of Unos, and all that happened then. I look back at those times fondly now - I don't think that's necessarily a good thing.

3. 3x5 photographs. No one seems to print 3x5 photos any more (who died and made 4x6 king?!), but the majority of my childhood is captured in just those dimensions. I guess something about 3x5 photos screams film and time and memory lane to me. Plus, it has that pretty decent John Mayer song written about them.

4. NOVA. For some reason, every now and then, I get this intense desire to go back to the days of Acting Class, getting lunch in Cascades as a class, driving around and doing nothing. When it was good, it was really good - the crazy guys, the party girls. Now, I'm past all of that, but sometimes I miss it.

5. CDs. I wrote an entry a while back about purchasing CDs for the first time in a while, and it still holds true. Though I haven't bought a CD in several months, I still get the biggest high off of purchasing my own little musical, aesthetic experience. I always think of my friend Tricia for some reason, and if that's not nostalgia, I don't know what is.

albums to be released on my birthday

Switchfoot: Hello Hurricane
Michelle Branch: Everything Comes and Go
Dashboard Confessional: After the Ending
Britney Spears: The Singles Collection

Go forth and celebrate my 22nd year ending by purchasing an album by one of these fine artists.

...Music Monday?

So, this is my attempt at making up for missing the past three Friday 5's. I figure as long as there's alliteration, I'm square.

Top 5 Ending Songs on Albums
I think the last song on an album is so key, and I think a lot of artists just sort of throw it away. Here's a toast to those that kept their ending just as strong as their beginning.


1. Hate This Place - Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy Up the Girl
This song, as many of you know, was my theme song for my teenage years. Even though Johnny Rzeznik said this song was created in the style of the Replacements, I think it really complimented the rest of the Goo's 1999 release.

2. Kylie From Connecticut - Ben Folds - Way To Normal
I like this song because Folds ends his album in a totally different way than how he started. Most of "Way To Normal" is non-sensical and at times crude, but this bittersweet piano tune cuts back to Folds' more poignant ballads like Evaporated or The Luckiest.

3. I've Got All This Ringing in My Ears and None n My Finger - Fall Out Boy - Infinity On High
Though I'm a general fan of this whole album, this is probably my favorite song on the album. I don't know if it's the weird, driving intro or the way Patrick Stump sings "Tell the boys where the find my body" with that throwback almost jazz sound, but this song is definitely the best choice to close the album.

4. I'll Be the Wings that Keep Your Heart in the Clouds - Mayday Parade - A Lesson in Romantics
The title from a few entries ago ("I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question, 'Is everyone here make believe?'") came from this little gem from an otherwise ordinary pop-punk-emo band. I love the duo vocalists (harmony! counterpoint!) and the slow swinging guitar strumming and the mention of my home state. Virginia IS for lovers.

5. They Weren't There - Missy Higgins - The Sound of White
It's physically impossible for me to skip this song whenever it comes on my iTunes, and I was lucky enough to hear Missy play it when I saw her at the 9:30 club earlier this semester. God, this song is the quintessential post-relationship tune, but more than that, it is one of the best closers for an album I've ever heard. This song could teach others about how to really complete an album in its delivery, lyrics and general awesomeness.

carry all your gentlemen

A long time ago, Elie requested I write something about my brother, music and my guitar. I've been waiting for the opportune moment... it finally came.

I've had my guitar for almost two years now. It's hard to reconcile that much time passing, but it really has. I'll never forget the day I bought it, the boy I bought it with or the boy I bought it for.

Or the boy who wanted to take it to Nashville.

It's always been difficult to be Jason's sister. I don't know if it's a younger child syndrome thing, that he's able to do what I've wanted to do more than anything - perform music - or that my parents seem to defer to him and in turn, make me feel disloyal if I don't kowtow in return. Perhaps this all stems back to jealousy or something equally petty and selfish, but I would hope that after 21 years, it wouldn't be so simple.

The thing is, Jason is good. No, he's better than good, he is the most talented musicians I know and perhaps one of the few that will actually make it. And I'm not jealous that he's good, I'm not angry that he's going places. I know he works hard for his fame and deserves it. That's not what drives me fucking insane and makes me alternatively want to cry and swear I never knew him.

It's that... when I stand next to him, it's like what I do doesn't exist. It's not that I'm untalented, but my talents are not the type that get the spotlight like being a musician and having really spiky hair. And it's not that my parents don't love me or believe in me or support me, but it just feels so one-sided in the way they relate to us. Jason needs something? We'll give it to him. Jason's getting bad grades? Oh, it's because he's playing so much. Jason's coming to visit? Start making his favorite foods.

And I get caught up in this show of support for him. And I don't WANT to be! I am not an unkind person. Yes, I'm selfish. Yes, I can be cruel. But I'd like to think in general, I am willing to sacrifice for those I care about. Jason is not counted out in that crowd, but being his sister, him being the way he is, you give more than your fair share.

Last night, I asked him to name one time he'd done something for me. He couldn't think of a single time.

I'd finally had enough, you know? I was sick and tired of having to give up myself to make him happy. So when he asked to borrow my guitar, my beautiful guitar that was bought hoping it would help me fight those demons and any boys who ever broke my heart, I said no. Fucking no, Jason, you will not fucking take my guitar to Nashville, even if it's only for a month, even if you need it, even if I don't fucking play it. It's mine.

And for once, he had no claim. He had no right, and I had every to deny him the use of my expensive guitar.

I can play the piano. I can play a bit on the guitar. I still have these dreams that one day I'll have a hobby of playing open mics and opening for bands in the local music scene, have a few fans, make an EP and just do it because I love it. As I'm driving, I still hum little melodies and write lyrics on old paycheck stubs, hoping to write just one more song to play for my friends.

But I know that I will never be able to write lyrics like Missy Higgins or craft melodies like Matt Nathanson, though God, sometimes I have these words and notes inside of me that are begging to get out, and it fucking rips me up that I'm just too clumsy to shape them into the eloquence they deserve to be.

I will never be Jason. But that's never stopped me from trying.

Because when it comes down to it, I love him. I only wanted his acceptance. I've only ever wanted people to see me as his equal, not his little sister. And because I love him, I want him to be happy and I want his life to be filled with spotlights.

Because I love him, the place where my guitar normally leans up against my chest of drawers, is empty.

Sex On Fire - Kings of Leon

I was going to use this song in a Friday Five or something ("This That Will Make This Week Bearable" or something to that effect), but I couldn't wait. I am so in love, and I wanted to share my joy with all 8 people that read this blog.

You need to go download, listen to, purchase or steal the song "Sex On Fire" by the Kings of Leon. This song is fucking perfection. Abstract lyrics? Check. Raspy-voiced singer? Check. Totally rock'n'roll drums? Check. Brothers in the band? Check, check, check. This is the ultimate, weekend-get-up-do-something-real-fall-in-love MADNESS that I want pounding through my speakers twenty nine times a day.

Fuck, this song! Shit man, I'm ready to go punch some people, tear down fences, dance and yell in my street at midnight thirty...! Just let me fucking act... this song isn't the only thing burning up.

i would just hope my last thought was a good one

i've never been the biggest fan of Scrubs, but tonight I realized what this show has mastered and few others get.

Their music kicks ass.

I'm watching the new episodes, and I don't know if it's just because I love this song, or that the script was pretty decent, or that I'm feeling hormonal, but hearing Ben Gibbard's soft vocals underscoring the death of a patient was unbearably perfect. The characters are sitting there laughing and joking and being all brave, but once that guitar riff started, my heart sunk, and you know? You knew, as the audience (and Death Cab For Cutie fan), it was over.

And that's something I can get behind. These writers or scouts or producers know the power of a good song. They GET that the perfect melody can take their good show and good script and good actors and make them GREAT. I've rewound this episode four times, because I can't fucking let this go.

I'm sitting here, almost in tears, at this Greatness.