It's been a rough couple of weeks. I'd rather not talk about the painful moments - and there were several - when I was an emotional wreck, on academic suicide-watch and living in silence. I wanted to quit everything. But I didn't. Clearly, I'm still here.
So I'd like to give the State of the Union, highlighting the glimmers of hope to convince everyone that I am doing okay.
First, school is almost done. I am four weeks away from freedom! I do have two classes over the summer, but really? After this past semester, two three-credit classes spread over 12 weeks is going to be a breeze. Plus, I'm pretty sure I won the Professor Lottery and got two awesome professors.
Second, my boyfriend is the shit. He has been there every day for the past three weeks, whether by phone or in person, being a heart that cares for me, a source of comfort and a voice of reason. We've been working through a very rough time together (very early in the relationship, believe me, I know), but I am fiercely proud of the character we've both shown since that week. He really is unlike anyone I've ever been with, and I'm getting suspiciously comfortable with the idea of a future with him. Take that as you will.
Third, I got the photography internship at Wolf Trap. YES. Photographing bands and theater for the entire summer? Win. Getting paid to do so? EPIC win. And this just in - Matt (my best guy friend) is probably going to be working there this summer as well. Spending my summer doing something I love with someone I love? That's just too good to be true.
Fourth, I just bought a pair of aviator sunglasses. Yeah, I know this is no where near the other items on the scale of epicness, but, well, they make me really happy. And that's the spirit of this list, if not the letter.
I love you guys. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make believe?"
friday five - bonus edition!
So. I definitely missed last week... I am going to blame it on the frantic preparation for Founder's Day. However, to make up for my disappearance a week ago, I present a list of TEN items today for your reading pleasure. And I figure this list, of all of them, should definitely be the longest.
Top Ten I am Grateful For
We so easily become entitled. I'm going to eat a big piece of humble pie and list those things that I have no right to, but I am so blessed to have them anyway. --As a side note, this was a really difficult list to populate. Not because I'm not grateful, but because the point of taking something for granted is that... you take it for granted.
1. A car. My parents bought me Wheezy and Tim - and they pay for my insurance. I did not deserve a car at 16, not do I deserve to have gone this long without paying for anything other than gas or repairs, but they are so understanding of me and my transportation needs.
2. People that let me stay at their house. The top of the list is obviously the Rices - but people like Miranda and Adam both have my eternal thanks for letting me crash at their places when I couldn't drag myself all the way back from campus.
3. Attending AU. I know I bitch about school like it's my job, but when I put my own animosity aside, I see how incredibly fortunate I am to attend a school in our nation's capital, getting so much culture and exposure. I often feel like I "deserve" this because of my GPA or skills, but really, it's just luck that I'm there.
4. My friends. I have three people that I know have my back no matter what, and that is far more than I deserve. I have many other friends that support me and help me grow up and get over myself... from Tali to Matt to Tricia to Leigh and everyone in between, your different point of views and personalities are ridiculous, and I love you all.
5. Being told I'm wrong. I hate it, I fucking hate being wrong (I mean really, who enjoys it?). But I've realized this is how I learn best, and god, there is no better time to get into the habit of disowning your entitlement than when you're wrong.
6. When the road is smooth. Take it literally or figuratively - I should be far more thankful than I generally am when I get either.
7. Beds. After sleeping on the floor a few nights ago, my shoulders and back were very excited to have the Rice's Sleep Number bed welcome them back into the fold.
8. Buying things. Somehow, even though I work many several hours a week at a place of employment, I still take for granted this idea of spending money. I totally dig buying random shit, and I don't usually think about what my life would be like if I couldn't.
9. Being 21. Oh, how soon they forget. Only six months ago I was moaning the fact I couldn't drink - and now I go flit out for wine or cocktails whenever I feel like it.
10. The general good-health of my body. The saying is so true, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." My right wrist being broken was one of the most frustrating ordeals I've ever been through, and now that I'm down to a brace which I can remove, I am so thankful to have my best friend, my right hand, back. Don't take your un-broken self for granted, folks.
friday five
Yes, it's late, and I apologize.
Top 5 Good Things About This Semester
Because the list was originally "Top 5 Bad Things" and then I realized, nobody likes a party pooper.
1. My awesome law professor. He came and spoke to my reporting class last semester and he was the coolest cat ever. He used to be a defense lawyer, so he had some pretty amazing stories, and he had this easy-going yet incredibly intelligent way about him that makes me think maybe my Monday night block will not be like stabbing myself in the eye with a spork.
2. Being 21. I know, it'd make more sense for this item to be in a "Top 5 Good Things About Last Semester" but think about it- for about 2/3 of last semester, I wasn't. So. Here's to being 21 for my final semester of school, and being able to drink whatever I want from January to May.
3. A Lighter Bag. I.E., I don't have FOUR classes in a row on Mondays and Thursdays. Elie and Mrs. Rice will attest to the ridiculousness of it the past semester, and thank god this semester the most classes I have in a row are two, and at the moment, neither of those have any books (and might not, because they're both news design/multimedia classes). Booyah!
4. A New Music Editor. Not that I love the Eagle any more (or to be more accurate, hate it any less), but the absence of One Ex Music Editor makes my heart sing and almost makes me excited enough to go back and actually work there as opposed to me coming up with my own story ideas and writing them because I feel like it. Almost.
5. The Election Is Over. No more "race for the White House." No more "controversy." Granted, we'll still have to examine Obama's presidency, but for the love of Mike, I don't want to hear another word about Sarah Palin. And considering my courses, I don't think I will.
BONUS (because I feel mildly bad that I legit missed my friday five)
6. This Is A New Semester. A lot, and I mean a LOT, of shit happened in Fall '08. Some of it made me better, but some of it made me a whole lot worse. By the simple fact that This Is Not That Semester, Spring '09 has to be something good.
my missed connection
title: I should've checked the door...
In Katzen, the women's room is on the left. In Bender, this is not the case.
I sincerely apologize for walking in on you, but I know I heard you laughing (whether out of embarrassment or amusement, I'm not sure).
Next time, I'll be more careful.
yes we can
Late for my group meeting for my final, I was finally on the road. I had worked all day at the Paper Source and barely said hello to my parents before I ran out the door. I had a list of five DVDs i needed to watch in the library (some full DVDs and others just clips) for tomorrow's final, plus I had to finish the study guide. I was trying to figure out how I would be able to photograph enough people and their tattoos to get my work submitted by this weekend. After I got off the phone with Leigh, I paid my toll, accepted my quarter, and got onto the Beltway.
That's when the tears started. I cried the whole way up, and it wasn't til I was about 15 minutes away from school that I got the sobbing under control.
It was quicksand - once I started, I kept bringing up every single thing that made me unhappy. Such topics included Kevin, David, my future (lack of) job, my supposed best friend, getting married and/or having children, my mom and stress over getting all the studying done.
I hate this. I hate doubting myself. I hate going to school, I hate this corporate University, I hate group projects. I'm so lonely. My half of my friends are leaving next semester. I miss having a boy hold me and hug me. I hate feeling like this is the rest of my life.
I'm so unhappy, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. No matter what I try, it just keeps sucking. I don't know what to do to make it better, I don't know what adjustments s to search out to make it (and me) better.
It only hit me as I was nearing AU that I still clutched my quarter in my left hand. The irony of it made me laugh out loud. I had the change, but I sure didn't have anything to fucking believe in.
but you and i know the reason why
This was not a good semester.
And I've heard this from almost everyone at AU. I blame it fully on the election. We, as a nation and specifically as a college in D.C., became so focused on everything going on in the world (which I don't necessarily begrudge us) and the future and the promises that we forgot about the present. Then to remember we were here for school, to learn, threw us for a curve.
Maybe that was the case for them, anyway.
For me, it was just... I think it was living off campus. That marked the biggest difference between this semester and the previous two. And it wasn't a bad change, necessarily, in fact, it was a vital one. But not being on campus really hurt my mentality as far as being a "college student." Granted, I probably would've hurt someone had I lived on campus for much longer, but... still. There is so much to be said for walking to class from your room. It became an ordeal to go to school. My ever-changing luggage was so heavy because I had to pack everything for the whole day - I didn't have that blessed room to run back to and grab different books or take power naps (instead I took them in my car while wearing my coat and mittens). And even though I had two homes now, I felt pretty fucking homeless.
This semester was not the huge step and eventual triumph my first one was. Nor was it the second semester, marked mostly by the emotional highs and lows that comes with having your first boyfriend and breaking up with him at the start of finals. It wasn't even like the summer semester, intense and lived on a ghost campus doing photo till my eyes bled (not a bad way to go). It is its own entity, but one that lacks any distinct hallmark. It will be remembered for being forgettable. It was painful, stressful and I am still debating if this is worth it. I hate college because of this semester, and I hate AU.
I can think of three good things to come out of this semester. And I suppose that will have to be enough.
i somehow find that you and i collide
Tonight, I picked a fight with a friend.
It's a lousy excuse, but this fighting is sort of the backbone of our relationship. I've known this kid since eighth grade, and never have I met a more frustrating, egotistical and in general ridiculous person in my life. I've never trusted his words and have always done my best to keep his ego in check by pointing out all his flaws and/or his shit still smells like everyone else's.
Some friendship, huh?
I'm not writing this because I'm proud of it, I'm writing because I'm at a loss and can't bring myself to admit that I did anything wrong right now. On a night where I am trying to generate a hint of our old relationship (because lately he has only used me when he needs an emotional backbone), and I'm out of this world stressed with the amount of work I have due in the next four days, he pulls the same old shit, talking about nothing but himself and not asking a thing about me. How his full ride scholarship wasn't covering things, how he hurt his knee, how his classes are hard and how he could've been at MIT wracking up even more debt. I'd had enough.
I told him I scoffed at his supposed debt, when I paid to go to a $43,000 institution and his complaint that UVA raising their instate tuition prices wasn't going to garner any sympathy. I reminded him he was wait listed at MIT (the first time around) and that he had no right to complain about school after one semester, when I've been going to college for the last, oh, four years.
I was nasty. I was also angry, and to a degree, still am. I was looking for someone to bear the brunt of my misery (which at the start of the night had nothing to do with him), and he played into it. He will never understand that I don't give a fuck about his supposedly genius IQ or the difficulties of his life because sure, though he has had it pretty rough, you can't use that shit as a fucking crutch for the rest of your God damn life. I care that he makes excuses, I'll never forget that night he forced me and that he never talks to me unless he needs something and the minute I show interest in being friends again, he'll disappear.
I was there too many times for him to deal with this bullshit. It's been a long time coming, and I'm not sorry it's over.
i'm so stressed by my stress i just want to up and vomit
I am absolutely losing it over how fucking STRESSED I am right now.
truth is a whisper
I have found my new favorite place at AU.
a day in the photo lab
Caitlin, the unofficial lab assistant, needed to take a photo adaptation. She chose Rosie. In the second photo, note her take on "We Can Do It" and the balance of femininity and strength.
The latter is a more typical Adam face. Here is a second look at Rosie, perhaps a more interesting image of today's feminism.
Adam stole the camera. Look at the pretty modeling light.
I'm waking up with a new sensation
I love academic advisors.
