this is a call out

So. This might be my most vain idea yet, but I am going to open this blog up to something I've never done before.

I am asking anyone that reads this for a topic you would like me to address. Do you have a question about something I did years ago and want more information? I'll answer. Do you hate something I said in a previous entry? I'll debate. Do you just want to know my thoughts on a random topic? I'll ruminate.

If I get enough, I would love to make this another weekly installment like the Friday Five (Mailbag Monday? Thursday's Thoughts?), but we'll see. For now, leave a comment and I will do my best to churn out a thought-provoking, gutsy entry that will rattle your computer and send your mouse into spasms of joy.

Hey, a girl can dream.

Friday Five

Top Five Items Found While Cleaning My Room and/or Tim:

Because I'm sure Freud could find some deep meaning in the most frequently used and disposed items of my life

1. Bobby pins - Everywhere. On desks, in teacups, in sock drawers and in almost every single purse (except, of course, in the purse I'm currently carrying when I need them). I honestly think they grow legs, have little pin parties and multiply and then strategically place themselves around my room. Not that I don't appreciate the army of bobby pins, but I'm tired of finding them on my floor no matter how many I pick up.

2. Receipts - For some reason, I suck at throwing the damn things away. And it's not that I keep them to balance a checkbook or track my debit card, I just keep a vague running tally in my head that (more often than not) fails me. Every now and then I do save an important receipt, and those I keep in my drawer in an envelope. But Unos, Target, Claires and Books-A-Million? Let's just waste those trees.

3. Paper Scraps - I'll broaden this to include ripped pieces of notebook paper and the rogue sticky note (because those certainly dominate my turf), but it's really the scrapbooking paper scraps I'm referring to. I have a bad habit of working on a project, completing the project, and then half-heartedly putting away the supplies. And since every single little piece of scrapbooking paper can be used in one way or another, I can never justify throwing away anything, even as small as an inch. I guess I'm making up for those receipts.

4. Vitamin Water Bottles - Empty as well as in varying degrees of fullness. It's really sad, and I whole heartedly blame the Rices for fueling my addition. These mostly live in Tim, but often find their way into the house and my room as I enter, drinking out of one, and there they sit, forlorn, waiting til I carry five of them down to the recycling bin.

5. American University Sticky Notes - Elie will mock me, but they're everywhere. In bags, in Tim's dashboard compartment, in Tim's backseat, on my desk, on my shelves, in my planner. Little pads of them (mainly the ninja) that are just... everywhere. I had no idea I'd (ahem) picked up so many of them. At least, now I don't have to worry about running out over break.

they weren't there

There are some people you will never forget, no matter how much time goes by.

(and he wasn't my first)

I found the letter my best friend wrote to him while cleaning my room. Hidden under old birthday cards and school papers in the trunk that saw me through high school and my first year of college, I felt the inexplicable weight of the simply addressed envelope as I held it. I couldn't stop myself from sliding the pages out of the envelope and rereading those words for the hundredth time. The feeling didn't change - I felt all the wind sucked out of me and the panic of those memories. The words didn't change - the story of a girl who believed in me, who wanted to stand up for me, who wanted to validate me. And the outcome didn't change - I felt the questions creeping back in and all of those memories (theplaygroundworkmcdonaldsthestairsyourmotorcycle), but worst of all, the undeniable loneliness and my shame that I still miss him.

That relationship cost me my self-respect. It cost me a city and a job, a best friend and two years.

It cost me a lover.

He will probably cost me many more.

he was just the first.

if the world decides to catch up with me

I've got a goal for the coming months. I want to have conversations with people I don't know.

You wouldn't think that it's that hard to do, but it is. It's impossible! Everyone here sits around talking about jack, pretending they know everything and we never say anything that really amounts to anything. I want to sit with someone I don't know and have a brief moment that means something. I want that conversation to stay with me for the next week. I want that human to mean something to a stranger for a second, and I'd like to think that I could mean something to them as well.

Is that so much to ask?

It's a cold world, folks. I'm feeling it, every day. And I just want a little moment where I am refreshed and don't feel like it's me versus the world. I want to believe in humanity. I once asked Sovey if she thought that overall humanity was good and it was individual people that fucked up or if she thought humanity was the problem and only specific people were the good. She said the latter. I always said I believed the first.

But it's getting harder. Maybe I'm just getting tired. Or older. I don't know.

So this is my plan to combat it all. People are good, right? Humanity, relationships are worth fighting for.

Aren't they?

you know where I'll be - Tennessee

I thought of you all of yesterday.

I thought about what you looked like. I never got to see your dress, but I know you were the most beautiful bride ever. I wonder what your colors were and how your procession looked. I thought about your music and the food and every detail that you planned to make this day the most important one of your life.

I thought about your future life with him. I remember meeting him and sitting on my driveway at night. I hope he's the best man ever and will treat you as you deserve - but I'm pretty sure he will. You wouldn't have married him if he hadn't.

But I mostly think about how brave you are, and how I wish so much that I could be like you. I don't know how you found the delicate balance of courage, love and self-respect, but I am so sincerely proud of you. I don't know if I'll ever find it. I wish I could've been there to celebrate (because that's what weddings are for), but I know I'll see you eventually and we'll recap all the good and bad moments of your day.

I love you. Congratulations.

Friday Five

To celebrate being DONE with school!

Top 5 Things I Want to Do Over Break

1. Go snowboarding. I didn't go at all last season because of fucking South Pacific, and that will NOT happen again this break. I miss being on the mountain. And as lousy as I am at snowboarding, I still feel it's one of the only athletic things I am marginally successful at. I can only get better!

2. Clean Tim. If you haven't seen him lately, it's pretty disgraceful. I've got so much shit in my car, it's unbelievable. I could keep children in the back seat and no one would even know. I also plan to institute a "emergency bag" for Tim, consisting of those vital objects to survive if I needed to crash at someone's place and hadn't planned ahead.

3. Make my own stationary. I found the most beautiful paper that I'm going to use as a theme/color and I plan on making a set of notecards and envelopes that I will be able to whip out for those necessary thank you notes, as well as any items I might need to send to future employers, convincing them I am a classy person with classy stationary. Yes.

4. Play my guitar. I haven't touched it in literally months, which is depressing for such an expensive, gorgeous instrument. I've actually been mulling over writing a song lately, and for some reason I keep hearing it on guitar. We shall see.

5. Paint my room. I've been wanting to do this since I got my new furniture, but once school started, there was no chance in hell it would happen. I just need to find the right shade of blue...

my missed connection

title: I should've checked the door...

In Katzen, the women's room is on the left. In Bender, this is not the case.

I sincerely apologize for walking in on you, but I know I heard you laughing (whether out of embarrassment or amusement, I'm not sure).

Next time, I'll be more careful.