Sex On Fire - Kings of Leon

I was going to use this song in a Friday Five or something ("This That Will Make This Week Bearable" or something to that effect), but I couldn't wait. I am so in love, and I wanted to share my joy with all 8 people that read this blog.

You need to go download, listen to, purchase or steal the song "Sex On Fire" by the Kings of Leon. This song is fucking perfection. Abstract lyrics? Check. Raspy-voiced singer? Check. Totally rock'n'roll drums? Check. Brothers in the band? Check, check, check. This is the ultimate, weekend-get-up-do-something-real-fall-in-love MADNESS that I want pounding through my speakers twenty nine times a day.

Fuck, this song! Shit man, I'm ready to go punch some people, tear down fences, dance and yell in my street at midnight thirty...! Just let me fucking act... this song isn't the only thing burning up.

friday five - bonus edition!

So. I definitely missed last week... I am going to blame it on the frantic preparation for Founder's Day. However, to make up for my disappearance a week ago, I present a list of TEN items today for your reading pleasure. And I figure this list, of all of them, should definitely be the longest.

Top Ten I am Grateful For
We so easily become entitled. I'm going to eat a big piece of humble pie and list those things that I have no right to, but I am so blessed to have them anyway. --As a side note, this was a really difficult list to populate. Not because I'm not grateful, but because the point of taking something for granted is that... you take it for granted.


1. A car. My parents bought me Wheezy and Tim - and they pay for my insurance. I did not deserve a car at 16, not do I deserve to have gone this long without paying for anything other than gas or repairs, but they are so understanding of me and my transportation needs.

2. People that let me stay at their house. The top of the list is obviously the Rices - but people like Miranda and Adam both have my eternal thanks for letting me crash at their places when I couldn't drag myself all the way back from campus.

3. Attending AU. I know I bitch about school like it's my job, but when I put my own animosity aside, I see how incredibly fortunate I am to attend a school in our nation's capital, getting so much culture and exposure. I often feel like I "deserve" this because of my GPA or skills, but really, it's just luck that I'm there.

4. My friends. I have three people that I know have my back no matter what, and that is far more than I deserve. I have many other friends that support me and help me grow up and get over myself... from Tali to Matt to Tricia to Leigh and everyone in between, your different point of views and personalities are ridiculous, and I love you all.

5. Being told I'm wrong. I hate it, I fucking hate being wrong (I mean really, who enjoys it?). But I've realized this is how I learn best, and god, there is no better time to get into the habit of disowning your entitlement than when you're wrong.

6. When the road is smooth. Take it literally or figuratively - I should be far more thankful than I generally am when I get either.

7. Beds. After sleeping on the floor a few nights ago, my shoulders and back were very excited to have the Rice's Sleep Number bed welcome them back into the fold.

8. Buying things. Somehow, even though I work many several hours a week at a place of employment, I still take for granted this idea of spending money. I totally dig buying random shit, and I don't usually think about what my life would be like if I couldn't.

9. Being 21. Oh, how soon they forget. Only six months ago I was moaning the fact I couldn't drink - and now I go flit out for wine or cocktails whenever I feel like it.

10. The general good-health of my body. The saying is so true, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." My right wrist being broken was one of the most frustrating ordeals I've ever been through, and now that I'm down to a brace which I can remove, I am so thankful to have my best friend, my right hand, back. Don't take your un-broken self for granted, folks.

abstraction at its best

I’ve been stepping around puddles in the largest concrete ocean I’ve ever seen. One toe here, a pinkie there, one dip and drown-

and sometimes I dance more than avoid.

The wind whips around me, yearning like branches of all the trees I never knew. I should have climbed. The oxygen twists around my limbs, hollowing through me and through me like I don’t even exist.

The sky darkens, against me and its fate is unavoidable. One by one, the rain drops fall, numbers accumulating until my head is so full (and I’m no longer transparent) I'm no longer dancing –

I am drenched.

why i am single part one: TOWCS

I realized I never finished my story.

I haven't seen him in almost two years, yet daily I am reminded of the relationship and the choices I made. I still wonder, sometimes, if I really did act in my best interest. It's rough, being forced to quit cold turkey when you're honestly not quite done. But I did it, albeit messily, and here I am, single. (We'll forget that The First happened, because apparently that memory is not worth worshipping.)

A few days ago, I went into the Rockville Music and Arts to pick up some books for a student. As I drove up, I saw a figure leaning against the back counter that accelerated my heartbeat at least double time. A familiar button down shirt, dark hair, stocky figure. Holy shit, I though dimly, the process of forming actual thoughts stunted by the lack of oxygen to my brain, I think that's Kevin Paro.

I thought about how he did work in Rockville for a time, I thought about the manager turn over, I thought about Mary saying a year ago he'd be coming back. All of this went through my head in a split second.

I walked into the store, completely unprepared to say anything, unwilling to believe it was actually the Asshole.

And yet, I hoped, desperately, that it was.

Some things never change, you know? And I'm okay with that. Like my friend said, you'll never fully forget someone that held that sort of a spot in your heart. But I'm not afraid of him, and I'm not the begging girl I used to be. I have grown up a lot over the past two years. I've changed. Even though I still have no honest to God idea what I would say to him, I know that if it happened, I would be okay. Sure, it'd shake me. But I am at a good place right now. I am fiercely in love with being with no one but myself. I am being selfish, independent, young. And I guess these types of days are limited, so I'm not going to waste them.

The simple fact that I can joyfully embrace being single made it okay that I had no valentine, no plans, no hopes of anything Saturday. It made me not bitter. It made it more difficult - and yet easier, at the same time - to do this series on relationships over the past week. And absofuckinglutely absurdly, it made it somehow okay to spend the entire night and morning talking to a boy I barely knew and spending most of my Valentine's Day night in his arms.

But back to my story.

Belief crushed hope, and I was right. It wasn't him, and as I scrutinized the man I thought was TOWCS, I could see the similarities that made me think it was him, and yet it was so clearly not. At the same time, for all intents and purposes, it might have as well been him. I said nothing to him, he said nothing to me. And if I ever do meet him, the real Asshole, I have a suspicion that our reunion wouldn't be all that different.

friday five

Top 5 Thoughts About My Relationships from Matt

He gets a lot of practice being my best guy friend.

1. "The art of conversation isn't completely dead, don't kill it."
If you can't tell, the brutal honesty keeps me in line. I get so tired of trying to reason with males and eventually give up - and then Matt says something like this.

2. "I don't deny that you're truly fine with things now, but if you keep being friends with benefits, you're going to keep liking him, most likely more, and then you're going to WANT more emotionally, and I don't think that process is going to take very long."
Matt can make me see things that I probably know deep down and just want to ignore. To this day, I'm not sure how he got to know me so well in so short a timespan. I think I attribute this to our friendship forged in theatre.

3. "I think I've come up with new theory that you should embrace. We'll call it "Traci, Version 2.0". Guys have fucked you over so badly that you're emotional psyche (at some points, not all) couldn't BE any worse (no offence) that at this point you should just be like, screw it, and go do whatever you want because you can't get more screwed over by people than you've already been."
An interesting perspective, and one I've never truly been able to embrace, though it definitely looks appealing on paper.

4. "If they're so immature that they can't be just friends with you, then they're dumb anyway."
Story of my life. I've found it's incredibly hard to backtrack once you've started down a particular path, especially for guys (or at least, the ones I'm attracted to). This flippant dismissal towards a boy I care about is literally one of the hardest things for me to do.

5. "If you were a bitch, and you still were attracted to assholes, than it would be a power struggle until you stopped dating and the whole relationship would be a roller-coaster in a different sense than how it usually is for you. But you're not a bitch, you're normal and nice, but you're still attracted to that same sort of guy so, eventually, he's just going to fuck you up and you won't have that effect on him. The level of sarcasm and wit you protray from the get go is RIGHT in the middle between "sarcastic but in a sweet way" and "sarcastic and bitchy" and so some guys just think it goes to the latter and go with it."
Perhaps one of the most significant, defining characterizations of my love life, ever. It's both straight forward and sympathetic, which is a very difficult balance to strike, but Matt does it pretty flawlessly. I actually learned to stop blaming myself, just a little less, after this conversation.

the perfect guy

When I was younger, various literature told me it was wise to make lists of the qualities and characteristics that were necessary to your soulmate so you wouldn't settle. I, being the sheep I am, followed that advice. In some ways, I honestly think it helped me (though not for the obvious reasons). I wish I could look at one of those old lists and see what naive!Traci thought her perfect guy would be.

I'm not saying all these qualities must be present in someone I date. But this list features personality traits- not interests, careers, physical features. These are, in my opinion, fundamental pieces of simply being a good human being and one who is worth giving up my singleness to embark upon a relationship.

(And yes, these are all qualities I've experienced/should've experienced/wish I hadn't experienced. If you're really up for a challenge, match these items to the corresponding male who inspired them from the previous post.)


The perfect guy won't be afraid. Of me, of the relationship, of the future. He will be the one that is ready to explore, conquer and triumph, convincing the reluctant me that this is worthwhile.

The perfect guy won't make excuses. He'll accept no BS, mine or his. He'll own up to mistakes, he'll kindly correct those that are wrong, he won't cop out when he feels it's getting too tough.

The perfect guy will commit. I will not be a choice for him, a supplement for whenever he pleases. He will be there when he should be there, emotionally, physically, mentally.

The perfect guy won't play games. He won't make me jump through hoops to find him. He won't fuck with me just because he can. Instead, he will be honest and say what he means to say without hidden agendas.

The perfect guy will fight. For me, about me, and even at times with me. He's not going to lay down and let anyone (me included) make stupid decisions without having an arms race.

The perfect guy will respect me: as a woman, as a human, as the capable, strong, impossible, insecure being that I am.

The perfect guy will be able to look at where he is and be content.

The perfect guy won't hurt me to remember.

The perfect guy won't be in my head.

The perfect guy knows he isn't.

the important ones, in chronological order

It looks a lot like the Friday Five, but don't be fooled. Satan comes to you in many disguises. We're doing profiles in class, I figured this would just get me ready for the graded assignments.

1. The First. He really was the first, in so many ways. My longest "relationship," especially if you count the years I yearned and he ignored. I sort of feel like he should go back on the list at the end since that was a very different relationship than the first, but... that's just a waste of space.
Best Moment: When we went to W&M to see his band play over last spring break. The whole experience was fantastic - I think the best memory of that trip was coming back and stopping at that old, torn down prison in Lorton on a whim. We took pictures and I had that little rose in my hair... I haven't looked at those pictures since that week.
Lesson Learned: I am good at being single.
Odd Reminder of the Relationship: Waltzing. Our first "date," we saw AU's musical, "Do I Hear A Waltz." We then waltzed outside in the moonlight. Later, I took him to my special spot, and we took pictures of us dancing again.
The Fallout: We don't talk. He's dating someone new.
Song: Walking By, by Something Corporate.

2. Mercutio. Cast as said Shakespearean character when I directing Juliet and Romeo. This one was a lot of fun, but after the break, it became very difficult to keep my cool during rehearsals.
Best Moment: Running around in his basement, doing nothing at all.
Lesson Learned: Boys who only spill guts when they're drunk are no bueno.
Odd Reminder: Firefly. I remember the good days of our little trio sitting and watching Firefly on his incredibly comfy couch, musing over which character we would be.
The Fallout: We're actually pretty good friends, believe it or not. It doesn't escape me that out of all of these, he was probably the least important and yet, somehow, he's the one that lasted.
Song: You and Me, by Lifehouse

3. Batboy. Without a doubt, the shortest "relationship" of this list. Most everyone that knows him thinks that he's secretly gay and just way, way deep in the closet. I'm not surprised.
Best Moment: Sitting in the hammock, his arm around me, just relaxing in the summer air and hoping that for once it might work out.
Lesson Learned: What weed smells like - I had no idea until him.
Odd Reminder: Nutley, or whatever that damn road is that goes over 66. I can still see him driving in front of me, his foot sticking absurdly out the window in that amazing summer air.
The Fallout: I wrote a damn good song and a poem from that emotional mess.
Song: The Origin of Love, from Hedwig and the Angry Inch

4. The Asshole. Oh Connecticut, how I loathe thee for the amazing piece of work you churned out. He wins the award for the most destructive of all relationships with the title "The One Who Wouldn't Stay." I don't know what I'd do if I had to deal with another one of this magnitude.
Best Moment: It would be a lot easier to pick the worst moment. We had a lot of times that I was sincerely happy, believe it or not. But I guess the best would be the night we went to the playground by Sovey's house and sat talking, and he ended it with holding me (I just thought he wouldn't let go so soon).
Lesson Learned: ...Verdicts still out on that one, kids. I'm still looking for that silver lining.
Odd Reminder: God, no way to pick just one. Um. That barrette I wore the night we got caught kissing behind the Mclean Music and Arts store.
The Fallout: I'm still a virgin.
Song: Gravity, by Sara Bareilles

5. The Boy Scout. The first relationship post-Kevin, which was a huge deal, and it was an even bigger deal because he was the first to break the musician stereotype I had been chasing since age 15.
Best Moment: Hearing that he went off on Ashley (a cast member of South Pacific) who had a party and invited literally everyone but the smelly kid, the mom and me.
Lesson Learned: If a boy hasn't grown a pair by 24, he's probably never going to get them.
Odd Reminder: Cinnamon in scrambled eggs with orange juice.
The Fallout: Saw him once or twice down at the Susan, but I ended things pretty harshly, so I don't expect we'll ever be bosom buddies again.
Song: Cailin, Unwritten Law. The obvious choice would be Younger Then Springtime, but I sort of would hate myself if I actually wrote that as the defining song.

in love with love

I used to be. In love with love, I mean. I've toned it down a bit (I think) over the past year or two - a few hard knocks helped me out - but there's still a part of me that is absolutely fascinated with love. To me, love is the ultimate sacrifice, the quintessential adventure, the closest we come to perfection on this earth (some people might point to children, but they don't excite me nearly as much as love does).

Anyone that meets me in my current state of denial and anti-dating and whatnot would probably be fairly surprised to to hear my confession that I get off on weddings. I fucking adore them. They're having your cake and eating it, too. They're commitment, romance and beauty all in one day full of the best intentions known to man. Weddings (slash love) are two people looking each other in the eye, swearing before God and man that they're in this for the long haul. They're going to beat the odds, they're going to make it work, they're going to take two incredibly imperfect people and give it their best shot.

The thing I love most about love is simply that it's all about acceptance and forgiveness. It's kind of that final step in growing up, giving up the very human expectations we have of each other, and just taking people the way they are. Love is someone looking you in the eye and saying, "Hey. I love you. I know everything you do wrong, I know everything you've fucked up, and I still love you for it and accept you and not only do I want to spend forever with you, I can't imagine forever without you." Love isn't blind. It just looks past the mistakes.

That's why I say that love is the closest we come to perfection. When we love, we have ourselves taken a step closer to perfect by ignoring our selfish nature, and we also have allowed our counterpart to similarly move closer with us because we no longer hold their faults against them.

That's really what I love about love. Two imperfect people finding perfection in each other.

why i am single part one: musicians are cancer

In honor of Valentine's Day, I'll be trying to post every day this week with some thoughts on relationships and the experiences I've had over the last five years. I had hoped to make this a round robin sort of deal with other bloggers, but me and my last minute ideas sort of shot that one. Sorry guys, it's just me this time.

The story starts the same way, almost every single time. There's a boy, a musician. The hair color generally changes, but not much else. He's funny, charming, brightens my day with his nonsensical and/or sarcastic and witty sayings. We embark on a relationship, things go sour, and I turn bitter. I'm left to ruminate on my mistakes for several months to a year, and then the cycle starts again.

I think the easiest way to describe this pathetic demonstration of insanity would be likening it to cancer. I wish I could take credit for this analogy, but it was from a friend the night I sat waiting for the Missy Higgins show to begin last summer. Pez thinks it would make a fantastic song title (specifically, for a FOB-esque song that doesn't actually feature the title in the lyrics). I sort of can't help but think of my brother every time I swear by this mantra.

The reason I am single is because musicians are literally cancer to me. I have no immunity built up to them; my t-cells will never make a comeback. Their witty words, bashful honesty and tortured souls are the poison that both exhilarates and harms me. Their moments of greatness that they deign to share with me are the disease and the cure. When I'm sick, there's nothing that can cure me like a brush with their artistic selves. Likewise, when I'm well, nothing can suck the life out of me like a glimpse of one of their unfortunately all-too-familiar faces.

I look at people who have been in remission for long periods of time, and I wonder if their feelings about their cancer are similar to how I feel about mine. The days that you're feeling good are really, really good. There will always be those rough days when you're weary and the medicine just doesn't seem to be helping. And there are the days where you're just hanging in there, living in the status quo, not quite recovered, but not sliding backwards, either. In some ways, those are the days I fear the most.

Most of the time, my days are in the good to middling range. Every now and then, though, I do get a bad one. I recently had one of those while going back to some old stomping grounds. And that tale will be told at another date, in 'why I am single, part two.'

friday five

Current Top 5 Favorite People

I know I did this last semester, but it was the right choice for this week.

1. My parents. Maybe it's that I'm still riding the high from last weekend's rescue party, but in a way, I hope not. I think that I came to realize in a gut way how my parents are really for me, 100%. I guess I haven't always felt like that before, and it's pretty rad.

2. Seth/Maddie from the SG. God, these people are so refreshing. It's such an odd feeling to be appreciated for the work I do, especially when I'm doing it for fucking free. Seth has gotten into the habit of calling me "Traci J." in his special brand of Kentucky/Ohio accent, which makes me laugh.

3. Elie. In some ways, living with her has been feeling more and more like an extended sleepover (I'm thinking it's our late night chats when we're both in bed and should be sleeping). But regardless, it's so great to have a second family there for me, and a best friend who has a solid answer for anything I throw at her (and I'm pretty good at throwing the most ridiculous shit out for an SOS).

4. Will. This was my actor for Adam from The Shape of Things from last semester in Directing class. I ran into him by fluke today and we ended up having dinner and having one of the best, most refreshingly honest talks I've had in a while. He wrote his number on a napkin, and I just might call it one day.

5. Miranda. I love this girl even though we are as opposite as you can get (minus our shared OCD over school). I don't know how we're such good friends since I absolutely cannot fucking stand her beliefs and views, but fuck, I love that girl with a passion. Plus she way complimented my mix-making skills, that compliment basically made my fucking week.

change, change, change

This weekend I have been incredibly worn and depressed and emotional. I spent most of Sunday crying, trying to get the what felt like mountains of homework done through my tears, reluctant to return to my own home because of some guests my parents invited over that I did not want to see and trying to figure out why my entire self esteem was in the crapper.

It was not a good weekend.

My saving grace is having parents who love me, though sometimes not in the way I want them to. They have been fantastic this weekend, and I could barely bring myself to leave my house on Monday because I didn't want to leave their warmth and support.

I'm doing better. I'm still stressed, still upset, still really unhappy. But at least right now I'm not feeling like my only option is to retreat to bed and stay there for three months. I'm writing for The Eagle, for the first time this semester, something that I'm excited about and want to do well - and if I've been procrastinating on it... well, that's just the story of this semester. I'm remembering why I chose this 180 of a major, I'm taking pride that maybe those A's weren't a fluke after all.

It's the best feeling in the world to get into something that you haven't done in a long time and find yourself, if not succeeding, at least not failing the way you thought you would. The words are coming, the quotes are there and I am so lucky to be able to tell this story.