i don't want to fall asleep and watch my life from 50 feet

It's been rather quiet on the blogging front. I figured it was time to break the silence.

The other day while driving to the Rices, I passed by a man sitting on the side of the road. He had pulled off into the little picnic area off of Beach and sat on a bench, shirtless, white hair frizzing around his head, banging on a bongo. Or maybe it was a djembe. I'm not quite sure.

It made me laugh, but as I kept driving past him, I started to think about what exactly he was doing. I'm sure he thought he was communing with the nature spirits or something, but to me, it was just a picture of someone doing what made them happy, and damn everyone else.

I've decided this is a Good life philosophy.

It's time that I stop focusing so much on the rules that I have (willingly) embraced and clung to. I don't have to be the alpha, psycho-top student that will land a job with a Fortune 500 company right out of college. I have to accept myself, give myself room to make mistakes and figure things out. And I'll do what makes me happy.

So if you ever see me in a park, playing the bongo without a care in the world, you'll know why.

what's good for you

For the first time in the history of my relationships, I am looking at the future.

For the past year, I thought I wasn't a "future" kind of girl. No rings, no white dresses, no bouquets to throw. No homes, no mortgages (at least, not with anyone's name beside mine on the papers). Certainly no children - they are the EPITOME of the future.

And then I met him. And things changed.

It's my little victory - this weekend, I will be celebrating my longest relationship (i.e., two months and SIX WHOLE DAYS). In another month, I will hopefully triumph over the Curse of May with him by my side. And honestly? I wouldn't be surprised if we actually made it all the way.

It's the little jokes about having children, but always with the "if" hanging over it. Using the "L" word, but only kidding. Playing with fingers and rings without saying a word. Describing wedding plans, in the hypothetical sense. And the other plans, so many plans, that might have nothing to do with marriage but everything to do with commitment. These things make me wonder if one day, I will share the white dress, the bouquet and the mortgage with him.

(Even my mother has noticed and made her own predictions about the possibilities of a ring on my finger in an ungodly short amount of time.)

But my favorite thing about us is that for I don't have to worry because we are in no rush to do anything. We're not rushing the ring. We drink in just being with each other, and there's that underlying assumption that there's never going to be a drought.

It's thrilling. It's scary. These are uncharted waters for me, but I've got a fellow sailor next to me who doesn't mind the lack of map. People always say it's the journey, not the destination, that matters - I'm ready for both.

I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make believe?"

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I'd rather not talk about the painful moments - and there were several - when I was an emotional wreck, on academic suicide-watch and living in silence. I wanted to quit everything. But I didn't. Clearly, I'm still here.

So I'd like to give the State of the Union, highlighting the glimmers of hope to convince everyone that I am doing okay.

First, school is almost done. I am four weeks away from freedom! I do have two classes over the summer, but really? After this past semester, two three-credit classes spread over 12 weeks is going to be a breeze. Plus, I'm pretty sure I won the Professor Lottery and got two awesome professors.

Second, my boyfriend is the shit. He has been there every day for the past three weeks, whether by phone or in person, being a heart that cares for me, a source of comfort and a voice of reason. We've been working through a very rough time together (very early in the relationship, believe me, I know), but I am fiercely proud of the character we've both shown since that week. He really is unlike anyone I've ever been with, and I'm getting suspiciously comfortable with the idea of a future with him. Take that as you will.

Third, I got the photography internship at Wolf Trap. YES. Photographing bands and theater for the entire summer? Win. Getting paid to do so? EPIC win. And this just in - Matt (my best guy friend) is probably going to be working there this summer as well. Spending my summer doing something I love with someone I love? That's just too good to be true.

Fourth, I just bought a pair of aviator sunglasses. Yeah, I know this is no where near the other items on the scale of epicness, but, well, they make me really happy. And that's the spirit of this list, if not the letter.


I love you guys. Thanks for hanging in there with me.