if not now, when?

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
And when I am for myself, what am 'I'?
And if not now, when?"

This quote has been running around in my head a lot the past few days. I've hit my quarter-life crisis, and it's pretty sucky.

It all started when I went back to AU for a round-robin sort of thing and of course, everyone was asking everyone what they were doing. The conversation went something like this:

"So what are you doing now that you graduated with - what?"
"My bachelor's in journalism."
"That's great! Applied for any jobs?"
"No, I, uh, teach piano."
"Oh wow, that's neat. Bet you're more fun than the old grey-haired teachers. Have you done anything with your photography?"
"Um, well..." DON'T MENTION POLE DANCERS "...just trying to shoot whatever I can."
While working retail. Fuck fuck fuck.

So yeah, try suffering through that little gem three or four times in one evening. If you ever want to feel insignificant and like your $30,000 debt from your degree that you're not even using was the biggest mistake of your life - well, don't. Just live vicariously through me and save yourself the cash.

So god, what's a girl to do?

Strap on a pair and make life happen.

There's no time like today (and by today, I mean the immediate future, I can't go out and purchase $2000 of photo equipment at the drop of a hat). But I'm really coming to grips that no one is going to hand me a perfect job, money isn't going to fall out of the sky, I'm not blessed with a mentor who can open doors for me. I've got a camera, some great experience, a dash of talent but most of all, I've got determination.

And really, now is the time. There's no other time BUT now. I'm single. I don't have a family to worry about supporting while I go off and pursue what could realistically be a failure. I don't have a husband who will be wanting my time that I'll be spending in post production. I don't even have a pet to worry about. It's me and the bills, and I can manage that.

I can't say it enough. NOW. NOW NOW NOW. I know that photography businesses take a crapload of time to build - have you ever met a truly successful photographer who was, like, 21? I haven't. There are few. Because photography - unlike some art forms - takes a hell of a lot of time to just ... grow. I would equate its gestation period to that of a baby whale. I'm not expecting Shamu to pop out in a few months, and I certainly am not expecting to start getting the Kennedy Center as clients tomorrow.

So where do I start? I'm working on compiling a list of equipment I need. This is the hardest part because once I make that step and spend practically all my savings, this can't just be a hobby. I will need to be shooting with that equipment every single day until I know it as well as my own face. I will need to be advertising, spreading the word to everyone I know, something I know I suck at. I need to redo my website, I need to put together a printed portfolio, I need to really unify myself and my work.

It's scary. This could be an even bigger failure than going to school and not using my degree. But I have to try because this two jobs thing (neither of which have to do with my degree) is not going to cut it for much longer. I'm not going to give myself a timeframe yet, but I'd like to think by the end of this year, my photo business would be modest percentage of my income.

Now. I need to make the wheels turn NOW. No matter how old, rusty and creaky they are.

Because really, if not now, when?

i don't want to fall asleep and watch my life from 50 feet

It's been rather quiet on the blogging front. I figured it was time to break the silence.

The other day while driving to the Rices, I passed by a man sitting on the side of the road. He had pulled off into the little picnic area off of Beach and sat on a bench, shirtless, white hair frizzing around his head, banging on a bongo. Or maybe it was a djembe. I'm not quite sure.

It made me laugh, but as I kept driving past him, I started to think about what exactly he was doing. I'm sure he thought he was communing with the nature spirits or something, but to me, it was just a picture of someone doing what made them happy, and damn everyone else.

I've decided this is a Good life philosophy.

It's time that I stop focusing so much on the rules that I have (willingly) embraced and clung to. I don't have to be the alpha, psycho-top student that will land a job with a Fortune 500 company right out of college. I have to accept myself, give myself room to make mistakes and figure things out. And I'll do what makes me happy.

So if you ever see me in a park, playing the bongo without a care in the world, you'll know why.