why i am single part one: TOWCS

I realized I never finished my story.

I haven't seen him in almost two years, yet daily I am reminded of the relationship and the choices I made. I still wonder, sometimes, if I really did act in my best interest. It's rough, being forced to quit cold turkey when you're honestly not quite done. But I did it, albeit messily, and here I am, single. (We'll forget that The First happened, because apparently that memory is not worth worshipping.)

A few days ago, I went into the Rockville Music and Arts to pick up some books for a student. As I drove up, I saw a figure leaning against the back counter that accelerated my heartbeat at least double time. A familiar button down shirt, dark hair, stocky figure. Holy shit, I though dimly, the process of forming actual thoughts stunted by the lack of oxygen to my brain, I think that's Kevin Paro.

I thought about how he did work in Rockville for a time, I thought about the manager turn over, I thought about Mary saying a year ago he'd be coming back. All of this went through my head in a split second.

I walked into the store, completely unprepared to say anything, unwilling to believe it was actually the Asshole.

And yet, I hoped, desperately, that it was.

Some things never change, you know? And I'm okay with that. Like my friend said, you'll never fully forget someone that held that sort of a spot in your heart. But I'm not afraid of him, and I'm not the begging girl I used to be. I have grown up a lot over the past two years. I've changed. Even though I still have no honest to God idea what I would say to him, I know that if it happened, I would be okay. Sure, it'd shake me. But I am at a good place right now. I am fiercely in love with being with no one but myself. I am being selfish, independent, young. And I guess these types of days are limited, so I'm not going to waste them.

The simple fact that I can joyfully embrace being single made it okay that I had no valentine, no plans, no hopes of anything Saturday. It made me not bitter. It made it more difficult - and yet easier, at the same time - to do this series on relationships over the past week. And absofuckinglutely absurdly, it made it somehow okay to spend the entire night and morning talking to a boy I barely knew and spending most of my Valentine's Day night in his arms.

But back to my story.

Belief crushed hope, and I was right. It wasn't him, and as I scrutinized the man I thought was TOWCS, I could see the similarities that made me think it was him, and yet it was so clearly not. At the same time, for all intents and purposes, it might have as well been him. I said nothing to him, he said nothing to me. And if I ever do meet him, the real Asshole, I have a suspicion that our reunion wouldn't be all that different.

the perfect guy

When I was younger, various literature told me it was wise to make lists of the qualities and characteristics that were necessary to your soulmate so you wouldn't settle. I, being the sheep I am, followed that advice. In some ways, I honestly think it helped me (though not for the obvious reasons). I wish I could look at one of those old lists and see what naive!Traci thought her perfect guy would be.

I'm not saying all these qualities must be present in someone I date. But this list features personality traits- not interests, careers, physical features. These are, in my opinion, fundamental pieces of simply being a good human being and one who is worth giving up my singleness to embark upon a relationship.

(And yes, these are all qualities I've experienced/should've experienced/wish I hadn't experienced. If you're really up for a challenge, match these items to the corresponding male who inspired them from the previous post.)


The perfect guy won't be afraid. Of me, of the relationship, of the future. He will be the one that is ready to explore, conquer and triumph, convincing the reluctant me that this is worthwhile.

The perfect guy won't make excuses. He'll accept no BS, mine or his. He'll own up to mistakes, he'll kindly correct those that are wrong, he won't cop out when he feels it's getting too tough.

The perfect guy will commit. I will not be a choice for him, a supplement for whenever he pleases. He will be there when he should be there, emotionally, physically, mentally.

The perfect guy won't play games. He won't make me jump through hoops to find him. He won't fuck with me just because he can. Instead, he will be honest and say what he means to say without hidden agendas.

The perfect guy will fight. For me, about me, and even at times with me. He's not going to lay down and let anyone (me included) make stupid decisions without having an arms race.

The perfect guy will respect me: as a woman, as a human, as the capable, strong, impossible, insecure being that I am.

The perfect guy will be able to look at where he is and be content.

The perfect guy won't hurt me to remember.

The perfect guy won't be in my head.

The perfect guy knows he isn't.

the important ones, in chronological order

It looks a lot like the Friday Five, but don't be fooled. Satan comes to you in many disguises. We're doing profiles in class, I figured this would just get me ready for the graded assignments.

1. The First. He really was the first, in so many ways. My longest "relationship," especially if you count the years I yearned and he ignored. I sort of feel like he should go back on the list at the end since that was a very different relationship than the first, but... that's just a waste of space.
Best Moment: When we went to W&M to see his band play over last spring break. The whole experience was fantastic - I think the best memory of that trip was coming back and stopping at that old, torn down prison in Lorton on a whim. We took pictures and I had that little rose in my hair... I haven't looked at those pictures since that week.
Lesson Learned: I am good at being single.
Odd Reminder of the Relationship: Waltzing. Our first "date," we saw AU's musical, "Do I Hear A Waltz." We then waltzed outside in the moonlight. Later, I took him to my special spot, and we took pictures of us dancing again.
The Fallout: We don't talk. He's dating someone new.
Song: Walking By, by Something Corporate.

2. Mercutio. Cast as said Shakespearean character when I directing Juliet and Romeo. This one was a lot of fun, but after the break, it became very difficult to keep my cool during rehearsals.
Best Moment: Running around in his basement, doing nothing at all.
Lesson Learned: Boys who only spill guts when they're drunk are no bueno.
Odd Reminder: Firefly. I remember the good days of our little trio sitting and watching Firefly on his incredibly comfy couch, musing over which character we would be.
The Fallout: We're actually pretty good friends, believe it or not. It doesn't escape me that out of all of these, he was probably the least important and yet, somehow, he's the one that lasted.
Song: You and Me, by Lifehouse

3. Batboy. Without a doubt, the shortest "relationship" of this list. Most everyone that knows him thinks that he's secretly gay and just way, way deep in the closet. I'm not surprised.
Best Moment: Sitting in the hammock, his arm around me, just relaxing in the summer air and hoping that for once it might work out.
Lesson Learned: What weed smells like - I had no idea until him.
Odd Reminder: Nutley, or whatever that damn road is that goes over 66. I can still see him driving in front of me, his foot sticking absurdly out the window in that amazing summer air.
The Fallout: I wrote a damn good song and a poem from that emotional mess.
Song: The Origin of Love, from Hedwig and the Angry Inch

4. The Asshole. Oh Connecticut, how I loathe thee for the amazing piece of work you churned out. He wins the award for the most destructive of all relationships with the title "The One Who Wouldn't Stay." I don't know what I'd do if I had to deal with another one of this magnitude.
Best Moment: It would be a lot easier to pick the worst moment. We had a lot of times that I was sincerely happy, believe it or not. But I guess the best would be the night we went to the playground by Sovey's house and sat talking, and he ended it with holding me (I just thought he wouldn't let go so soon).
Lesson Learned: ...Verdicts still out on that one, kids. I'm still looking for that silver lining.
Odd Reminder: God, no way to pick just one. Um. That barrette I wore the night we got caught kissing behind the Mclean Music and Arts store.
The Fallout: I'm still a virgin.
Song: Gravity, by Sara Bareilles

5. The Boy Scout. The first relationship post-Kevin, which was a huge deal, and it was an even bigger deal because he was the first to break the musician stereotype I had been chasing since age 15.
Best Moment: Hearing that he went off on Ashley (a cast member of South Pacific) who had a party and invited literally everyone but the smelly kid, the mom and me.
Lesson Learned: If a boy hasn't grown a pair by 24, he's probably never going to get them.
Odd Reminder: Cinnamon in scrambled eggs with orange juice.
The Fallout: Saw him once or twice down at the Susan, but I ended things pretty harshly, so I don't expect we'll ever be bosom buddies again.
Song: Cailin, Unwritten Law. The obvious choice would be Younger Then Springtime, but I sort of would hate myself if I actually wrote that as the defining song.