i think about how it might have been

I'm a bit terrified of tomorrow.

My hair and I have always had a strange relationship. It's always been the most beautiful part of me, I know that, and It knows that. When I was little, everyone loved my hair. It was long, thick and shiny, and everyone played with it so much that I finally became sick of the attention and banned the attention. I regret that decision now. I didn't realize how that gesture could soothe the stress. By now, I'm too old, they've learned not to, blah, blah, all the excuses. But I miss having my hair stroked, I miss that calm, I miss that security and reminder of childhood.

Right now, it is the longest it has been since I last cut it for Locks of Love (which was over 3 years ago), and perhaps the longest it's been ever. It's almost to the small of my back, I can reach my arm around and not even lift a finger to touch it. And it's still the most beautiful part of me. I know that. It can be curled, it can be straight, it can be all big and wavy, and somehow, I can always feel attractive when I've got those layers to flip over my shoulder.

But the day after tomorrow, it's all going away. And to be 100% vain and 100% transparent, I'm honest-to-God, drama-free, terrified that with It goes my one claim to beauty. I'm Jo March, trading her locks for... what? A Greater Cause? I can only hope. Because I'm so scared I'm going to be ugly when my hair is gone, that it will be painfully obvious I'm still just a chubby, short Asian girl who just wants to be praised. Only now, there might not be anything worth praising.

Don't lie and tell me looks don't matter. I'm beginning to think that in this world, along with death and taxes, that's the only fact that will never change.