To Do

I'm alive. And writing lists like fucking whoa.

TO DO BEFORE I GO TO THE BEACH THIS THURSDAY:

1. Post on Blackboard
2. Reply on Blackboard
3. Write telephone essay
4. blog at The Park In Vienna
5. Finish editing Twelfth Night
6. Practice piano
7. Upload Alyssa shoot
8. Buy swimsuit
9. Buy alcohol
10. Cash checks
11. Get camera

As you can tell, my life is a mess of photography, money, the arts and school. Don't be surprised if you don't see me for the next six weeks.

(But - for the record - I'm still happy. Stressed and frustrated, but deep down, I'm so fucking happy. Even more so that in TWO DAYS I'll be at Virginia Beach with people I love, far, far away from school and work.)

oh, you think you got it

Life is too good right now.

I keep looking over my shoulder, wondering when it's going to throw me a curve ball or smack me down to the ground, but it's been a several weeks, and I'm still on my feet. It's a damn good feeling, I'm not going to lie, especially after that hell of a semester.

I wish I could freeze the next few months and just stay. I want to throw a potion or cast a spell over my world and slow the fuck down because I know, I know these months will fly by and come fall, I will be desperately clawing to retain these moments. I love my job. I love everything about it - feeling professional, the venue, getting paid to do what I love, my schedule, my fellow interns. There could not be a better way to spend the summer!

And I'm crazy for my boy. That ridiculous, swing your arms out and turn your face up to the sky, spinning and dizzy, wonderfulhappyamazement. I didn't know it could be like this! I honestly never could have even crafted this relationship in my head. It's above and beyond expectations - and yet, at the same time, so grounded and deep in my heart that I sometimes just want to cry and how happy and normal and right this feels. I'm daily surprised at how it's been almost four months - on one hand, who ever would've thought I'd stick with a guy this long... and on the other, wondering why it hasn't been six months, eight, a year. Every day is beautiful with him and it feels like we've already shared a million.

It's not that I'm not aware of the challenges this summer will bring. I'm not in denial about the terrors of the fall and finding and job and the (hopefully) impending move out of my parent's home. I think about these things daily. But just like that old Friday Five... I'm not going to feel entitled to this summer. I am grateful, so grateful, for everything, so I won't let worries about the future ruin the beautiful present.

I'm going to keep spinning, thank you very much.

moving on

My key ring has lost two of its valuable members this past week.

A couple of days ago, I gave the Rices their key back, since I won't be needing to stay there over the summer despite my class the latter part of the summer. Today, I turned in my key to my office with the student government here at AU.

I'm assuming there's some significance in this - aside from the fact my key ring is lighter (people always make fun of me for the mess of keys, gadgets and keychains I keep on my carabiner). I guess one can speak to the transient nature of life, leaving homes behind and gaining new keys to signify the additional achievements in life.

But fuck all that.

I sort of feel like I lost family after turning those keys in. Granted, the SG family has disbanded, making way for the new executives, but my office mates will actually still be there for the next year, and I miss Natalie already. Giving the key back to the Rices (along with packing up several of my earthly belongings and carting them away) also depressed me, since they really did become my family over the past year (and this time I don't have a new fish to cheer me up). It'll never be the same, you know? I'll always be friends with them, but that element of being one of their "kids" has sort of dissipated.

I love how I attach ridiculous amounts of sentiment to the most irrational inanimate objects, don't you?

...Music Monday?

So, this is my attempt at making up for missing the past three Friday 5's. I figure as long as there's alliteration, I'm square.

Top 5 Ending Songs on Albums
I think the last song on an album is so key, and I think a lot of artists just sort of throw it away. Here's a toast to those that kept their ending just as strong as their beginning.


1. Hate This Place - Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy Up the Girl
This song, as many of you know, was my theme song for my teenage years. Even though Johnny Rzeznik said this song was created in the style of the Replacements, I think it really complimented the rest of the Goo's 1999 release.

2. Kylie From Connecticut - Ben Folds - Way To Normal
I like this song because Folds ends his album in a totally different way than how he started. Most of "Way To Normal" is non-sensical and at times crude, but this bittersweet piano tune cuts back to Folds' more poignant ballads like Evaporated or The Luckiest.

3. I've Got All This Ringing in My Ears and None n My Finger - Fall Out Boy - Infinity On High
Though I'm a general fan of this whole album, this is probably my favorite song on the album. I don't know if it's the weird, driving intro or the way Patrick Stump sings "Tell the boys where the find my body" with that throwback almost jazz sound, but this song is definitely the best choice to close the album.

4. I'll Be the Wings that Keep Your Heart in the Clouds - Mayday Parade - A Lesson in Romantics
The title from a few entries ago ("I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question, 'Is everyone here make believe?'") came from this little gem from an otherwise ordinary pop-punk-emo band. I love the duo vocalists (harmony! counterpoint!) and the slow swinging guitar strumming and the mention of my home state. Virginia IS for lovers.

5. They Weren't There - Missy Higgins - The Sound of White
It's physically impossible for me to skip this song whenever it comes on my iTunes, and I was lucky enough to hear Missy play it when I saw her at the 9:30 club earlier this semester. God, this song is the quintessential post-relationship tune, but more than that, it is one of the best closers for an album I've ever heard. This song could teach others about how to really complete an album in its delivery, lyrics and general awesomeness.

i don't want to fall asleep and watch my life from 50 feet

It's been rather quiet on the blogging front. I figured it was time to break the silence.

The other day while driving to the Rices, I passed by a man sitting on the side of the road. He had pulled off into the little picnic area off of Beach and sat on a bench, shirtless, white hair frizzing around his head, banging on a bongo. Or maybe it was a djembe. I'm not quite sure.

It made me laugh, but as I kept driving past him, I started to think about what exactly he was doing. I'm sure he thought he was communing with the nature spirits or something, but to me, it was just a picture of someone doing what made them happy, and damn everyone else.

I've decided this is a Good life philosophy.

It's time that I stop focusing so much on the rules that I have (willingly) embraced and clung to. I don't have to be the alpha, psycho-top student that will land a job with a Fortune 500 company right out of college. I have to accept myself, give myself room to make mistakes and figure things out. And I'll do what makes me happy.

So if you ever see me in a park, playing the bongo without a care in the world, you'll know why.

what's good for you

For the first time in the history of my relationships, I am looking at the future.

For the past year, I thought I wasn't a "future" kind of girl. No rings, no white dresses, no bouquets to throw. No homes, no mortgages (at least, not with anyone's name beside mine on the papers). Certainly no children - they are the EPITOME of the future.

And then I met him. And things changed.

It's my little victory - this weekend, I will be celebrating my longest relationship (i.e., two months and SIX WHOLE DAYS). In another month, I will hopefully triumph over the Curse of May with him by my side. And honestly? I wouldn't be surprised if we actually made it all the way.

It's the little jokes about having children, but always with the "if" hanging over it. Using the "L" word, but only kidding. Playing with fingers and rings without saying a word. Describing wedding plans, in the hypothetical sense. And the other plans, so many plans, that might have nothing to do with marriage but everything to do with commitment. These things make me wonder if one day, I will share the white dress, the bouquet and the mortgage with him.

(Even my mother has noticed and made her own predictions about the possibilities of a ring on my finger in an ungodly short amount of time.)

But my favorite thing about us is that for I don't have to worry because we are in no rush to do anything. We're not rushing the ring. We drink in just being with each other, and there's that underlying assumption that there's never going to be a drought.

It's thrilling. It's scary. These are uncharted waters for me, but I've got a fellow sailor next to me who doesn't mind the lack of map. People always say it's the journey, not the destination, that matters - I'm ready for both.

I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make believe?"

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I'd rather not talk about the painful moments - and there were several - when I was an emotional wreck, on academic suicide-watch and living in silence. I wanted to quit everything. But I didn't. Clearly, I'm still here.

So I'd like to give the State of the Union, highlighting the glimmers of hope to convince everyone that I am doing okay.

First, school is almost done. I am four weeks away from freedom! I do have two classes over the summer, but really? After this past semester, two three-credit classes spread over 12 weeks is going to be a breeze. Plus, I'm pretty sure I won the Professor Lottery and got two awesome professors.

Second, my boyfriend is the shit. He has been there every day for the past three weeks, whether by phone or in person, being a heart that cares for me, a source of comfort and a voice of reason. We've been working through a very rough time together (very early in the relationship, believe me, I know), but I am fiercely proud of the character we've both shown since that week. He really is unlike anyone I've ever been with, and I'm getting suspiciously comfortable with the idea of a future with him. Take that as you will.

Third, I got the photography internship at Wolf Trap. YES. Photographing bands and theater for the entire summer? Win. Getting paid to do so? EPIC win. And this just in - Matt (my best guy friend) is probably going to be working there this summer as well. Spending my summer doing something I love with someone I love? That's just too good to be true.

Fourth, I just bought a pair of aviator sunglasses. Yeah, I know this is no where near the other items on the scale of epicness, but, well, they make me really happy. And that's the spirit of this list, if not the letter.


I love you guys. Thanks for hanging in there with me.